Disposal Day #122: Prestige doesn’t buy class

STORY #1: The unexceptional Coffman

I look forward to the day when I can say, in all sincerity, that politicians have evolved beyond attacking each other’s patriotism and perpetuating birtherism. Rep. Mike Coffman (R-CO) did both. While he did backtrack on the statement that carried a pungent whiff of birtherism, he wasn’t all that sorry for the other thing he said about President Obama: “. . . I don’t believe the President shares my belief in American Exceptionalism. His policies reflect a philosophy that America is but one nation among many equals.”

If you think his policies reflect a bad philosophy, go ahead and say so. But watch your mouth if your idea of said bad philosophy is anything less than love of country. Some of you may think love of country has nothing to do with exceptionalism, but in the U.S., it always does. Accusing another politician of lacking it all but eliminates the possibility of a truly substantive discussion of differences.

STORY #2: We’re not that elusive

Reasons we “elusive independents” would never have fallen for this crap:

• We never bought that Obama agreed with anything Reverend Jeremiah Wright had to say about America. He certainly has never given us any reason to believe so.
• We would have recognized the standard-issue attack ad techniques immediately.
• We understand Obamacare enough to know that it’s not actually “government-run health care.” You want that, go to the UK.
• Many of us actually don’t like Obama as much as these morons think we do; we just have more sophisticated opinions of that worldview than this.
• We’re allergic to the word “PAC.”
• Anyone who needs five minutes of airtime for this sort of thing probably has nothing of value to say.
• Two of your staffers worked with former Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK). Checkmate.

STORY #3: Refudiated, BITCH

And, at last, former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA) beats back someone who claims to be working in his best interests but isn’t. Sadly, that beat-back couldn’t have sounded more stiff than if he’d dunked it in liquid nitrogen and sprinkled it with cornstarch. Just say “Sorry, I don’t accept endorsements from idiots” and get it over with! (By the way, for anyone who asks, I am using the term “refudiate” ironically and I am well aware that it’s a Palin-brand malapropism.)

Disposal Day #118: Everybody fails (seriously, everybody)

STORY #1: A Lillienfield moment

Only fans of The West Wing will understand who “Lillienfield” is without Googling anything, and if you’re not a fan of The West Wing, please step into the back room; I will join you there after this post and painstakingly explain what an idiot you are. Anyway, Rep. Allen West (R-FL), who I have rarely spoken of positively, had such a moment last week when he accused “78 to 81″ House Democrats of being Communists. He refuses to apologize, as Communism and “progressivism” are, apparently, almost the same thing. You know, if you’re stupid.

Is it? Would progressive Democrats send agents after your grandmother for communicating with relatives in “cosmopolitan” countries, as they did to mine? Would their policies require everyone to stand in line for hours for the possibility of fresh fish? Would they make you try six times before you were permitted to immigrate? If you answered in the negative to any of the above questions but still side with West, please go to hell.

STORY #2: The key word is SECRET

How do people who are hired to protect the president of the United States of America this incapable of protecting their own jobs? Some employees of the Secret Service (three at last count, I believe) have already resigned, been fired or been compelled to retire because of their dalliance with prostitutes in Cartagena, Colombia, during the Summit of the Americas. Most of the flacks in Washington spend more time assuring everyone that President Obama’s security was fine – which, I’m sorry to say, isn’t the priority.

It’s really very simple. If you’re a high-profile employee of the federal government, there are certain groups of people you should never be caught with, and I will list a sample of them right here: anyone in the sex trade, terrorists, drug dealers, people with political ideologies generally regarded as “insane,” people typically featured on the covers of tween magazines and most loudmouthed political bloggers. (I’m clean, though.)

STORY #3: Leaving on a jet plane

I assure you that I have not forgotten about Ted Nugent, and I will offer my take on that tomorrow. A few hours after posting that column, Adam and I will be flying out to spend a week in the Twin Cities, a trip we have been hoping to take for about two years now and have finally managed to plan for next week. So, if you’re in the area and you spot a petite brunette with blindingly white skin and a tanned guy with black hair who always wears a short-sleeved button-down shirt, smile because that’s probably us.

Hands up if you slept with Herman Cain

There are two reasons why I hate political sex scandals: 1. Unless they refer to non-consensual, non-adult-on-adult activity that actually happened (I’ve never been sure about the harassment allegations), they’re not worth discussing outside the immediate circle of the accused party. 2. Everyone discusses them anyway, which tends to keep real stories out of the news cycle. Which brings me to today’s recommendation: Herman Cain, please just quit.

The latest in a long, long line of accusations against him that have nothing to do with his (lack of) qualifications for the presidency was brought to you by Ginger White, who claims to have carried on an extramarital affair with him for the past thirteen years. It’s worth nothing that White has been sued for libel before, and also that the responses from Cain and his proxies have varied somewhat: he flat-out denies it and his lawyer doesn’t. Sigh. Where are all the credible people?

So, do I think Cain did it? Nobody knows enough about this particular allegation to say, except him and White. But I’ll refer you to a couple of quotes, one from political commentator David Frum and another from Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN). Both of them make the same point: There is a reason some politicians attract this many scandals and others don’t, and you can’t blame it all on the media, or your political opponents, or Satan, or whatever the hell else Cain has blamed his problems on.

For his part, he says he’ll quit the 2012 Republican presidential nomination race if his wife, Gloria, wants him to. Frankly, I can’t see how she would at this point. You can bet that she’s been hounded with press inquiries herself; why keep subjecting your family to such scrutiny? Sitting politicians have left their posts for, arguably, lesser offenses. While I personally do not recommend this if it was one time, consensual and adult-on-adult, at some point you have to give up trying to withstand it.

But even that’s not the most compelling reason for Cain to quit. He’s proven his utter absence of foreign policy judgment, much less experience, at least as often as he’s been accused of something involving sex. He routinely speaks as if he’s the only candidate who has ever run a business. (Wrong.) (Additional wrong.) His feelings about abortion and Muslims are at least as jumbled as any feelings former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA) has ever had about anything. In what diseased universe would all this make someone presidential?

It’s very simple: If you’re not qualified, accept it and stop pretending otherwise. That Cain has not done this is enough for me not to take him seriously about anything.

He never rocked her like a Herman Cain

Primary season is heading into crunch time and dark secrets are well on their way into our political consciousness. First it was Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) and her husband’s clinic; then it was Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX) and his goodies for immigrants; now it’s former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain (R-GA) and some very suspiciously timed allegations of sexual harassment.

The allegations come from two women who worked for the National Restaurant Association during his tenure as its CEO. They have complained of “innuendo or personal questions of a sexually suggestive nature” and “physical gestures that were not overtly sexual but that made . . . them uncomfortable and that they regarded as improper in a professional relationship.” Whatever in holy hell that means – a fist-pump, perhaps? Of particular interest is a comment from “sources” that the allegations led to payoffs and confidentiality agreements.

Now had the accusations been more explosive, say, if they’d included coercive language, or inappropriate touching, or bizarre usage of Middle Eastern street food, I would assume someone was looking to make a buck off of Cain’s risen star. The comparative levity of these charges gives them more credibility, until you ponder the possibility that these women misinterpreted workplace communication that Cain viewed as normal. That people file lawsuits over words and gestures is a disservice to those dealing with genuine harassment.

Not that Cain and his staff didn’t make their fair share of slip-ups in responding to the news. For example, his campaign said:

. . . we’ve seen this movie played out before — a prominent Conservative targeted by liberals simply because they disagree with his politics.

And he said:

They’re going to come after me more viciously than they would a white candidate. . . . And so, to use Clarence Thomas as an example, I’m ready for the same high-tech lynching that he went through . . .

I must remind you that this is Cain and his people playing both the ideology and race cards before anyone else does. This could be viewed either as a crafty pre-emptive measure, or whining. I’m going to go with whining, personally. And why did the campaign capitalize “Conservative?” Does he have secret Canadian citizenship? (A joke.)

In any event, this is another example of the triumph of gossip in the news media. I was always taught never to quote sources that refused to be identified. This is a much more widespread and problematic media bias than the ideological or racial kind.

I can’t believe it’s not a Democrat!

It’s time once again for The Future American’s FAIL OF THE WEEK! Every Saturday, I name a person or group who has spent the past seven days behaving in a particularly idiotic way. Since it’s my belief that idiocy knows no politics, nobody is safe.

This week’s fail was brought to you by the pack of Wisconsin Republicans who ran as protest Democrats in recent state primaries. This is the second week out of three that a fail has been centered on Wisconsin, which I wouldn’t have expected for a state that prides itself on humility and general niceness. Thanks to that union-busting debacle, those days seem to be over. (Within the two-party paradigm, of course. A third party, if they get one, might renew some hope.)

Wisconsin has an open primary system in which voters do not have to declare a party affiliation, but are only permitted to vote in one party’s primary. Apparently, the same goes for candidates, who in this case were former Republican officials of various levels. The purpose of their candidacies was to create a primary election out of thin air, in order to “punish” the Democratic incumbents. All the fake Democrats lost, most with percentages in the mid-60s. Ha.

This is a fail on two counts. First, hoping that voters in the Democratic primary would be stupid enough to see through this. Few things are more infuriating than politicians who insult the intelligence of their electorate. Considering the divisiveness that arose from Gov. Scott Walker’s (R-WI) budget, I’d think most of those who voted in a Democratic primary would have supported their incumbents already.

Second, wasting valuable resources on primary elections that didn’t need to happen. While I am in favor of switching up politicians, or at least creating the opportunity to do so – a result of Canadian party leaders remaining in that role until they decide to leave – primaries are not as necessary as general elections. Those who want to run in the spirit of serving the constituents best do not need to resort to trickery, even if that trickery goes nowhere. If any taxpayer money went into this election, well, that’s not very Republican!

It’s a sad reflection of our current politics that Wisconsin and Minnesota, both of which tend to be among the most functional of the United States, have made headlines for ridiculous partisan squabbles such as this one. We can only hope that their reputation for functionality extends to the centrists and independents within them.

Disposal Day #72: Weiners and balls

STORY #1: Insert pun here

Of the controversy surrounding Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) and a certain photo you may have seen floating around Twitter, I have commented, “This is clearly the prank of a 14-year-old Young Republican who wanted thousands of people to make weiner jokes.” In all fairness, though, it doesn’t have to be any kind of Republican. But I wouldn’t be surprised if, assuming police wasted their time tracking down the source of the photo, it turned out to be.

Apparently they have the capability to find out where the photo came from, as does any skilled computer hacker. (Note: The best way to neutralize hackers is to hire them to beef up your security. Do it.) If Weiner is truly worried about any political or personal fallout from this ridiculousness, he ought to pay a hacker to do the job, instead of making police obtain a court order for it. I know a few who would do it for the right price.

STORY #2: Get to ze chopper!

I wonder if Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ) will retain his exalted status among fiscal conservatives after this doozy? He had the state helicopter fly him to his teenage son’s baseball game in the town of Montvale, which, for those of you keeping score at home, is an hour and 34 minutes away from the state capital of Trenton. Normally I’d give him a pass for being there for his son, but I don’t think the kid would mind if Christie skimped on an away game.

The problem is that Christie refused to reimburse the state for the use of the helicopter, which is intended for state business and nothing political or personal, for 48 hours. Democrats jumped on this with glee; Republicans kept quiet. I think they could have agreed to docking the cost from his governor’s salary if it meant never speaking of it again. Also, has Christie heard of a little thing called New Jersey Transit?

STORY #3: You knew this was coming

Another one from the “obvious joke” desk: Richard Land, who is in charge the policy wing of the Southern Baptist Convention, wants former Speaker Newt Gingrich (R-GA) to give a speech on adultery. If I were Gingrich’s publicist, I would advise him to give the speech and emphasize that he deeply regrets how he treated his first two wives, and that God helped him see the light. He already has, but in this situation, with evangelical voters casting many judgmental eyes on you, you can’t apologize enough.

Cheaters can prosper, but quitters can’t

We’re all aware that politicians are held to account for their personal behavior at a level that everyday citizens, even most celebrities, are not. Hell, Brad Pitt cheated on his wife and became even more famous afterward, and she can’t pick a good script to save her life. So why is it almost a given that politicians leave office after getting caught with their pants down, even if no one outside their family experienced any actual emotional pain? Case in point, Rep. Chris Lee (R-NY), spotted sending shirtless photos to a woman he met on Craigslist.

As is the case with many stories of this nature, Lee liked to promote himself as a socially conservative, “family values” Republican. (He has one son, described as “young.” Just saying.) According to Gawker, which broke the story, Lee voted against the repeal of “Don’t ask, don’t tell” and has also voted against federal funding for abortions. He also introduced a bill that would provide Internet safety lessons to high-schoolers. I guess ”How not to be seen” was not included.

At the same time, we must factor in Lee’s accomplishments at the office. Not only has he been an advocate for Internet safety, he has also lobbied for air safety legislation, having experienced the problems that may arise after a crash in his own district. He is considered “active on economic revitalization issues,” exactly what Congress needs right now. Outside of social issues, his reasons for being in Congress are perfectly sound.

Now I’m as vocal an opponent of infidelity as the next person, having watched many hours of Maury, an appearance on which is perhaps the greatest consequence of cheating. Yet Lee considers his exposure to be occasion to leave Congress not a month into his second term. Given the record described above, I doubt the people who put him in office twice would want to do so again. Fair.

But unlike Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY), who resigned last year on allegations of harassing staffers, there was no harassment involved. Nor was there any doubt about what went on, given the e-mails and the photo, whereas Massa gave multiple statements that contradicted one another. Perhaps most importantly – in the eyes of traditionally-minded voters – Lee corresponded with a member of the opposite sex!

By promising to finish his term and use it wisely, Lee might have been able to leave Congress with far less ridicule than he will inevitably get now. But i suppose the 26th District needs someone who can handle two responsibilities at once.

Disposal Day #40: The Christine O’Donnell Show

So many of my fellow politicos love talking about her with me that I decided to devote this entire column to her. Enjoy, boys.

STORY #1: With friends like Ann . . .

I was starting to warm up to Ann Coulter after that unfortunate University of Ottawa incident. She’s back in my bad graces again after her latest column, in which she claimed that Senate candidate O’Donnell (R-DE) won her latest debate with opponent Chris Coons (D-DE). The proof?

• Coons said the Chinese are building up their military capabilities. O’Donnell wondered if he meant China wanted to take over America, the same claim she made that everyone mocked.
• Coons said “[t]he Australian navy engaged in joint exercises with the Chinese” and didn’t invite the U.S. to the party, which was a “dramatic shift” for the Australians. Coulter takes this to mean he fears an Australian invasion.

I will admit that O’Donnell dinged him on how his family’s company would benefit from cap-and-trade legislation. When it comes to foreign relations, however, she’s suffering from a bad case of “I can see China from my house” disease, along with Coulter.

STORY #2: Jefferson lives

She’s also suffering from “misrepresentation of the Constitution” disease, or at least a lack of reading comprehension skills. Because the phrase “separation of church and state” is not in the Constitution, she seems to believe the concept doesn’t exist. Please buy this woman a thesaurus so she can look up other words for “respecting,” “establishment” and “no.”

Of course, so many people have checkmated her by pointing out that former President Thomas Jefferson himself coined the phrase and spoke of it affirmatively. So we’ll move on from that. As I see it, O’Donnell is the reason there should be a separation of church and state: to keep a lid on people whose entire way of thinking is permeated by low-grade religious fundamentalism, as opposed to those who abide by its most basic tenets.

STORY #3: The witch is dead

Guess what? Even she now thinks the “I’m not a witch” ad was a bad idea! Ad students, let us make it a rule that using someone’s ridiculous mockery of you in your own ad, without any humor, is taboo.

O’Donnell seems to believe that everyone calls her these nasty things (even when, in the case of Bill Maher, they don’t call her that at all). Running with it does nothing to halt that. It makes it true.

Disposal Day #38: Your weekly roundup of stupid

STORY #1: All choked up

I really wish more Democrats would ignore gubernatorial candidate Mark Dayton (D-MN), their guy, and go for the far more electable and non-right-wing Tom Horner (I-MN). But that’s besides the point. On the St. Paul/Dayton-stumping leg of his Please Don’t Take Away Our Majority national tour, Vice President Joe Biden “joked” that he’d “strangle” any Republican who complained about the budget again.

I’m sure many of us have felt like shutting them up in various ways, considering that their solution to repairing the economy involves taking away more revenue from the government and not specifying how to make up for it. But when you’re the second most-powerful person in the world, shouldn’t you alter your sense of humor so as not to invoke images of murder? Already one writer is trying to decide if Secretary of State Hillary Clinton should be nominated for VP in 2012. I’m thinking yes.

STORY #2: How do you solve a problem like Sharia?

Well, the first thing you have to do is figure out where it is. Here’s a hint: It’s not in Dearborn, Michigan, even though this town has a “thriving Muslim community.” It’s also not in Frankford, Texas, which doesn’t exist as a separate town anymore; it is now a Dallas suburb. Senate candidate Sharron Angle (R-NV) is convinced that not only are these towns governed by Sharia law, but this is the result of a “militant terrorist situation.” A what? It’s as if the cast of Jersey Shore reguarly sat around discussing defense policy.

I will ask the same questions of Angle that must be asked whenever someone pulls this sort of claim out of their ass: What makes you say it? What idiot told you this was happening? Where’s the goddamn beef?

STORY #3: Speaking of out-of-ass

You can’t have a column about unbelievable verbal political gaffes without mentioning Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell (R-DE)! She told CNN on Thursday that she has “matured” since the time in which her most ridiculous statements, with which Bill Maher has been having the time of his life, were recorded. That’s pretty much all she’s said about those statements. I’ve noticed she hasn’t flat-out denied still believing that stuff or proven otherwise, which is necessary if you want to be known for who you are now.

She is, however, very proud of her recent statement that “any time taxes have decreased, revenue has increased,” going on to describe basic supply-side theory. I tried this on my macroeconomics prof this summer and she didn’t like that.

Fathers, be good to your daughters

It’s time once again for The Future American’s FAIL OF THE WEEK! Every Saturday, I name a person or group who has spent the past seven days behaving in a particularly idiotic way. Since it’s my belief that idiocy knows no politics, nobody is safe.

This week’s fail was brought to you by Jan Schill, daughter of John Mantooth, candidate for judge in Oklahoma’s McClain County. You might think this guy’s biggest problem is having a last name like Mantooth (if I was brought before him, I wouldn’t keep a straight face), but it does get worse. The sharpest thorn in his side is that his daughter’s level of bitterness over his 29-year-old divorce from her mother is higher than that of every family movie brat combined. (See also: Stepmom. I loathed that twit played by Jena Malone.)

Schill and her husband, Andrew Schill, took out a quarter-page ad in an unspecified Oklahoma paper encouraging voters to avoid her father, as he is bad at that job and worse at being a husband and has been sued six times. You can read about those times here at dontvoteformydad.com. (Classy!) I took the liberty of reading about some of those cases. They include:

• Caicco v. Mantooth, in which a woman contests her mother’s will because her mother only left her $100, having been accused of insanity over the daughter’s “alleged lesbian relationship,” and left Mantooth $200,000.
• Hamilton v. Mantooth, in which a man working for Mantooth when he was a contractor was injured on the job and didn’t get any of his medical bills paid by Mantooth until they established an attorney-client relationship, and was also accused of not having the Workers’ Comp he claimed to have.
• Greer v. Mantooth, in which a former client of his accuses him of yelling at him and yanking him by the arm.

Hamilton and Greer are definitely suspicious, although I would like to hear Mantooth’s side of the story before drawing conclusions. Caicco sounds more like just another round of a daughter being angry at a parent.

Mantooth suspects Greg Dixon, his rival candidate and Andrew Schill’s former partner, was involved in this campaign, which he denies. I’m skeptical myself; if Hamilton and Greer are to be believed, Dixon would need not operate through the Schills. For their part, they took out the ad because the news media wisely refused to touch them. But what newspaper with any sense of ethics would run it? And what kid with any sense of ethics would make it?