Big Barack is watching you

It’s time once again for The Future American’s FAIL OF THE WEEK! Every Saturday, I name a person or group who has spent the past seven days behaving in a particularly idiotic way. Since it’s my belief that idiocy knows no politics, nobody is safe.

This week’s fail was brought to you by Nancy Hurlbert, chairwoman of the Lake County Democratic Party, who exemplifies the wide range of interesting political fails one can find on the county level. According to the United States Flag Code, which codifies standards of etiquette for displaying the American flag, “the flag should never have placed on it, or attached to it, any mark, insignia, letter, word, number, figure, or drawing of any kind.” Guess whose picture was found on the flag flying outside Hurlbert’s building.

My initial reaction to this was OMG CREEPY. Aren’t images of leaders only found on flags of fictional nation-states in dystopian sci-fi novels, where they belong? Given Hurlbert’s take on the demand by local veterans to take the Obamatized flag out of sight, one wonders if she’d feel the same way had the head (snerk) of state in question been a member of the other party:

It [the fact that this was the first complaint she’d received since she’d received the flag as a gift two months prior] leads me to believe that it’s not about the flag. Certain elements cannot accept Barack Obama as president.

Nicely done, Ms. Hurlbert. A double shot of disrespect to men who have devoted their lives to defending and saluting the flag: one by putting a defaced version of it on an outdoor pole, and another by accusing them of partisan insincerity as an extension of “certain elements.” What kind of message is sent by making this flag, let alone flying it? Unless the goal was to make people say OMG CREEPY, I can only imagine that they wanted to say “We win (four years ago), BITCH!” Since Lake County has voted for Republican presidents three years in a row, this is hardly the best way for Hurlbert to improve the Democrats’ prospects. (Also, does it really matter when they complained? Is a complaint only valid on the day of? She’s worse than a mobile phone provider.)

I would like to see both parties on all levels agree that certain American symbols are not to be depicted with political alterations under any circumstances. Aside from the flag, this may include the national anthem, patriotic songs, the Seal of the United States, various photographs and artworks (Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima is a good example) and military uniforms. Maybe institutional value has gone out of vogue when it comes to national iconography, but it’s a good yardstick by which to measure how far someone will go to make a point. Once you cross this line, you’re not worth considering. Expect Lake County voters to show that.

Disposal Day #108: CPAC’s dumbest moments (so far)

STORY #1: Let’s export him

Every so often, someone will make an accusation so blatantly easy to prove false that it’s not even fun to try. Former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) is something of an expert at making those accusations. Take his address at this week’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), in which he “says the U.S. [under President Obama] will say it doesn’t want Iran to have a nuclear weapon but will give in on the matter for the oil.”

That would be a pretty scary thought if a) Obama hadn’t repeatedly lobbied for domestic energy production, including oil; b) he also hadn’t slapped increasing amounts of sanctions on Iranian assets; and c) the U.S. hasn’t had an embargo on Iranian exports of any nature since 1995. You want to denounce Obama for not approving the Keystone XL pipeline? Be my guest. Just don’t make shit up to make the situation sound worse than it really is, especially when a 15-year-old West Wing viewer would be able to call you on it.

STORY #2: Bachmann Is-real wrong

I’ll admit, being Jewish has caused me to develop an emotional connection to Israel, despite the fact that I’ve never been there. (But I’m going this summer. Stay tuned for pics.) I have no problem with Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) coming to Israel’s defense, even if her support seems too blatant to be sincere. But, again, if you’re going to do it, you have to do it without making shit up like this: “Israel has rarely enjoyed President Obama’s support.”

I’ll just supply you with a series of quotes from Obama on Israel, and you can decide for yourself. His actual policy on Israel, i.e. the 1967 border proposal, has at times been wrongheaded. Much like Rep. Ron Paul’s (R-TX) idea to cease foreign aid to Israel, which will be a great idea when they no longer have to need U.S. military help. That does not equate a lack of support. By that logic, everything Bachmann has ever said about anything means she secretly hates it. I guess what I’m trying to say is: Shut up, Michele, we don’t need you.

STORY #3: Huh?

This is just a weird one from commentator Andrew Breitbart on the Occupy movement: “I hate these people. They are the most evil, vicious people in the world.” Um, isn’t the genius of the Occupy movement that they haven’t done anything? Trashed a few parks, obstructed some traffic, were generally a public nuisance? A small group of bankers have been more evil than all of these people put together. Some perspective would be nice, Andrew. This is an election year.

An open letter to likely Romney voters

Dear sirs/madams: In conversations about the 2012 Republican presidential nomination race, it is almost inevitable that someone will say that former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA) will win, although the field as a whole is some permutation of the word “awful.” Nobody expresses real appreciation for Romney, only relief that he isn’t as “insane” as the others. I ask if they know about the very sane former Gov. Jon Huntsman (R-UT). Most do. They tend to approve of him. But they say he just won’t win.

I like to think I’m a fairly insightful person, but I’m honestly stumped by this one. Except for you registered Independents who are turning out to vote in the New Hampshire primary, you are Republicans. You like consistency. You like people who can tell you the price of a loaf of bread without turning to an aide. You like people whose efforts helped create lasting jobs. You like people who don’t force their constituents to purchase anything. With Romney, none of these criteria will be met. So ask yourself: Why him?

Since this fall, most of the more obviously inept candidates have enjoyed brief periods at the top, but my predictions that they would eventually flame out have all come true. (This has not happened for Huntsman, which might bode well for him if those who do prefer him to the others say so when they vote.) It’s beyond me why it hasn’t happened for Romney. This is akin to making the bitchy popular girl prom queen, even though you hate her guts, just because you know her name and her competition is kind of a geek.

Really, what’s with the poll numbers? Is it because he’s the biggest name of the group who isn’t a pompous old fart? Is it because he never worked for a Democrat? (I suppose that’s easily avoided when you’ve never been called to serve at the pleasure of the president of the United States.) Is it because he’s disavowed pro-choice, pro-environmental and pro-civil union policies lately? Is it because rank-and-file Democrats wouldn’t touch him with someone else’s ten-foot pole? If any of you reading this can give me a decent answer, I will bake you a cake. (“Not Obama” is not a decent answer.)

Disposal Day #97: The elephants in the room

STORY #1: Mormons and morons

I’d really love to hear from any reader who is old enough to remember the stigma faced by President John F. Kennedy over his Catholicism. According to historians, there actually was some stigma then. Of all the criticisms leveled at former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA), the “Mormon thing” is minor, at best, only making headlines when one bigot or another says something nasty about it. Unless you’re one out of about seven evangelical Protestants.

I could take this opportunity to say that religion shouldn’t be a factor in politics at all, but we all know it’s going to be, so let’s move on. (Although I am bewildered by the fact that some don’t consider Mormonism a branch of Christianity. Doesn’t believing in Christ as the Savior give you automatic enrollment?) Instead, I’ll comment on two flaws with this entire premise: 1. Former Gov./Ambassador Jon Huntsman (R-UT) is also a Mormon and the above article didn’t mention him. 2. Too few voters care to merit any headlines. Now let’s get back to his flip-floppery like everyone else.

STORY #2: The impossible DREAM

The problem with former Speaker Newt Gingrich’s (R-GA) platform is that it’s all over the political map. As a centrist, I should approve of this, but most centrist candidates have some unifying themes throughout all of the planks in their platforms, mostly concerning the role of government. For example, I have a hard time reconciling his support for the DREAM Act with his public fears of radical Islam and atheism, which are totally on the same wavelength of scariness. (Christian family values? Like he has those.)

Now, I have written in support of some incarnation of the DREAM Act myself, so I won’t criticize his position on it. I will say that in 2011, this is a much more significant wedge issue than any environmental or social position he might have taken out of lockstep with the Republican Party. If this turns out to be the beginning of the end of his 30 days at the top, don’t be surprised.

STORY #3: I’m banking on him

So what sets Huntsman apart from the GOP pack that we haven’t already covered? The fact that he has a plan for banking reform, and it actually addresses one of my biggest pet peeves: market concentration. As you can imagine, this was very exciting for me, especially because it read like a plan that could sell in Congress. Memo to his campaign: Please put together a guidebook to his comprehensive proposals for us pundits to use as reference. I’ll pay you $40 for it. Get on that right now.

Disposal Day #95: Oops!

STORY #1: Nice knowing ya

Once the media says you’re done, it’s more than likely that everyone else will start believing you’re done. Hence, the dilemma facing Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX) as of last night’s CNBC Republican debate. In a position to name the three Cabinet departments he would axe, he could only remember two: Commerce and Education. The third, shamefully enough, was Energy.

I would like to know how damn difficult it is for a United States governor to name more than two out of the 15 federal Cabinet departments. I can do it without checking on Wikipedia: State, Defense, Treasury, Justice, Interior, Agriculture, Commerce, Labor, Energy, Education, Transportation, Health and Human Services, Housing and Urban Development, Veterans’ Affairs, Homeland Security. My rule of thumb is, when a 21-year-old Canadian knows more stuff than a presidential candidate, they’re done.

STORY #2: More power!

As much as I love him, there are times when former Gov./Ambassador Jon Huntsman (R-UT) looks like he could use a tooth sharpening. That moment was yesterday, when former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA) followed a series of anti-China platitudes with a promise to impose tariffs. Huntsman could have taken the opportunity to explain why breaking America’s commitment to free trade was “pandering.” He did not.

The above link knows that attack politics are simply not in Huntsman’s nature. If circumstances were different – say, if he’d already been nominated and had selected a running mate – that would not necessarily be a bad thing. But in a debate setting with dismally low poll numbers, he needs to get snappier. It’s not personal to destroy any semblance of credibility Romney wished he had on China and the economy. Just the facts, with more attitude. If my debate tactics (see Tuesday’s column) are meant to work, and they are, the punditry should come after the snark. That never fails.

STORY #3: Losing the female vote

You know who former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain (R-GA) needs to hire? Bob Bennett. That guy could probably save his ass from his latest slip-up with women. This time, it’s a jab at House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), or “Princess Nancy,” an epithet that overshadowed whatever opinion he had of her health care record. I’m sure Republicans love it, but I don’t think you can call her a princess when she’s spent the past few years of her career trying to scrape together more stuff for her party; a princess would only do it for herself. Also, what is he, six years old? Why not just call her a big meanie poopyhead who won’t share her cookies? That’s what he meant.

Disposal Day #94: The expendables

STORY #1: Cain train off the rails?

You knew this was coming. The last two favorites for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination (both of whom we will cover below) enjoyed about a month of pure media flattery prior to disavowal, and former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain (R-GA) is unable to escape the curse. Already questions are being asked over which of his rivals leaked the story; his people suspected Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX). Personally, I think it’s more likely that the women at the center of the sexual harassment claims against him saw the opportunity for a cash grab.

Of course, the scandal hasn’t affected his polling numbers to any significant extent, although that may change after another few days of hammering away at this story. But there is an opportunity for his rivals to point out, repeatedly, that he’s had about 999 explanations (come on, I had to) and seems desperate in his search for a scapegoat. If someone else’s campaign really did plant the story, they obviously knew exactly what would happen.

STORY #2: Going bananas

I’ve noticed a pattern with Rep. Michele Bachmann: Sometimes she’ll start by making a good point, and then rhetorically blow it way out of proportion and end up discrediting her entire argument. This is no exception. Do politicians listen to their donors too often? Yes. Do they have a habit of policies that are friendly to certain business and destructive to others? Yes. Does this make America a “banana republic?” NO!

I could dismiss this as a run-of-the-mill Bachmannism, but I’m sure she’s not the only person who believes this. So let’s be clear: In a banana republic, corruption and favoritism is on the books. In a banana republic, nobody even tries to invent a good reason for new taxes. In a banana republic, it’s a big deal when private citizens gain the ability to buy and sell their own real estate. And most importantly, in a banana republic, people wear shitty, shitty underwear.

STORY #3: Thinking is hard

Back to Perry, who openly admitted this: “I hate debates.” OK, really? You want to convince people that you’re the best choice to hold the office of president of the United States, perhaps the most debate-intensive office on the entire planet, and you come out with a chestnut like that? He might as well admit that he hates giving speeches or reviewing legislation or following laws or having to come up with actual ideas. This man is just baffling. And that point was hammered home after this doozy of a speech, which was brought to you by one or more of Jack Daniels, Xanax and pot brownies.

Disposal Day #89: Yes, another weekly GOP update

STORY #1: So . . . no pizza party?

There’s still a healthy amount of skepticism about former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain (R-GA), despite his victory in the Florida straw poll and this very sensible proposal for cutting federal spending. I attribute it to his lack of political experience and, to a lesser extent, his constant talk of Chile. But you really have to take a guy seriously for a “Charity begins at home” approach, evident in his suggestion that we cut federal fun. Genius in its simplicity.

I’m talking state dinners, paid guests of the Lincoln Bedroom, welcoming parties for championship teams – which I’ve never understood anyway – and others. I don’t expect that it would have a significant enough impact on the economy to get more than a kudos on arrival. But it’s about time someone looked inward for new cuts. If he agrees to cut the presidential salary, he’ll be in business.

STORY #2: From the “asstarded” desk

According to Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), uprisings are breaking out all over the Arab world because President Obama called for a return to pre-1967 borders in Israel. You know, the call he made five months after the first uprisings in Tunisia and Egypt. And it’s a miracle I was able to type out that sentence because this notion is so ridiculous that it’s a miracle the world didn’t end when someone repeated it. We’ve descended into madness, America.

Naturally, Bachmann’s team hasn’t elaborated on this festering turd of a speech, probably because she ran back to her office in a panic afterward and screamed, “OK, there is a causal relationship between the Arab Spring and Obama, right? Right?!” When this woman dies, I want her brain donated to science. There’s no way this much stupid can be concentrated into one person whose name isn’t Courtney Stodden. I refuse to accept it.

STORY #3: Leave Christie alone!

Trying to draft someone into an election is like trying to headhunt someone out of a job they had no intention of leaving: purely self-interested and among the dickest of dick moves. Oh, wait, it’s exactly the same thing. Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ) knows that, which explains his repeated refusals to run for president. Yet the media covers him as if he’s still hemming and hawing about it. Say what you will about Christie, but he’s not the type to hem and haw. At this point it’s time for him to say “Look, I’m not running, and if anyone asks me about it again, I’m going to drop-kick this kitten over the Turnpike.”

Disposal Day #88: Seven versions of the same crap

STORY #1: Why I didn’t watch

There are a couple of reasons I missed last night’s Florida Republican presidential debate: 1. I had a late day at work, plus an even later bus ride, and got home with just enough time to make dinner. 2. What’s the point? You watch one debate with the same group, you’ve pretty much watched them all. And although they would still be more interesting than any Canadian candidates even if they all sounded like a drunk Hayden Christensen, they’re not great.

The differences between the candidates worth regarding (I do not count former Gov. Gary Johnson [R-NM] among them) lies in their titles, plus their somewhat varying levels of conservatism and gaffe-proneness. Their platforms, on the other hand, are not vastly different from one another’s in fundamentals. However, there are two notable exceptions . . .

STORY #2: . . . and they’re surging!

Of the top three candidates in the most recent polls out of the only state that matters during primary season, we have one generic Republican, one libertarian, and one who’s a little too centrist to be a generic Republican. (That’s not a bad thing, for the record.) Clearly, by the time this is over, there will only be one generic Republican. And if New Hampshire voters are any indication, he (or she) won’t be as Tea-ful as some had hoped.

Rep. Ron Paul’s (R-TX) positions on the economy make me wonder about his powers of critical thinking, and you all know how I feel about former Ambassador Jon Huntsman (R-UT). As for former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA), he seems like the likeliest choice at this point, although I don’t consider him a suitable replacement for President Obama. But at least these voters appreciate variety, however limited its availability.

STORY #3: Oh, yeah, that guy

Rep. Thaddeus McCotter (R-MI) dropped out of the race yesterday. The news came as a surprise to many who had no idea he was in the race. In a related story, his desperation for any amount of attention culminated in a public announcement of how “bummed” he was that R.E.M. was splitting up. This news came as a surprise to many who had no idea they were still together or had released an album this year. It’s true: Everybody hurts.

Now all we have to do is get rid of Andy Martin, Fred Karger, Jimmy McMillan, Buddy Roemer, Jonathan Sharkey and any other candidate you’ve never heard of, and we’ll be in business.

Disposal Day #87: Just when things were going well

STORY #1: Sucks to your states’ rights

I think, by this point, we can safely say that former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA) has no hope of capturing the narrative over the individual health insurance mandate he enacted in Massachusetts. His attempts to cast the mandate as an allowable offense on a state basis have fallen flat in the face of opposition to mandates of any kind. What we’re seeing is a conflict between grudging respect for the Constitution and vehement hatred of any government edict.

That, boys and girls, is why Romney has no hope of currying favor with the Tea Party unless he starts dancing to their tune. (And, let’s face it, he probably would.) These people simply do not like governments of any kind. It doesn’t matter if the insurance mandate was legal; it’s still a mandate, and one that forces them to spend money at that. He just can’t win on this one. He should stick to being himself for once.

STORY #2: Broadening Bachmann

It’s said that insanity is doing something that failed over and over and expecting a different result. Hence, Jenny McCarthy, who has never gotten off her decidedly bullshit anti-vaccine kick, is insane. (You can also tell because she dated Jim Carrey on purpose.) So why am I not even remotely surprised that Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) seems to be trying to get in with her crowd? Her attack on Gov. Rick Perry’s (R-TX) mandatory HPV vaccine devolved into commentary on unfounded links between it and disabilities. And I thought the natural medicine bloc was one she could do without.

If there’s one pledge by which all candidates should abide (besides the Pledge of Allegiance), let it be this: “I pledge not to spew utter crap for the sake of a political sound bite, and I – or my staff – will take great pains to ensure accuracy in my on-the-record comments for the sake of my voters.” Sound good? Sign it.

STORY #3: Basketballs and 8-balls

The latest attack on maybe-Republican candidate, former Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK), did not need to be written. Preliminary analysis shows that it is merely a compilation of the juiciest rumors about her we might have seen in supermarket tabloids, plus new information gleaned from being next to her house, which is, of course, the least creepy and unnecessary thing ever. As much as I dislike Palin, she doesn’t need anyone’s help when it comes to character damage. That’s something she can do all on her own. It’s that Alaskan frontier spirit at work, or something like that.

Disposal Day #83: The Perry effect

STORY #1: Once a Democrat . . .

. . . not always a Democrat. Some members of the media are taking evident enjoyment in the fact that GOP presidential candidate, Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX) was a Democrat earlier in his political career. This, says the National Journal in the above link, may make him “vulnerable” with the right. The other flaws they listed would make him vulnerable with the right, plus a lot of other people, and are far more worth considering.

I can only use my own experience to illustrate Perry’s. As some of you probably know, I used to be a hardcore liberal when I first got into politics, in high school. As time went on and I read, heard and saw more of the political word, I moved firmly to the center. It’s certainly not impossible for this to have happened to Perry. If anything, the fact that he moved so far in the other direction could make him look better to the right.

STORY #2: The hot war

The same sort of behavior is extended to Perry’s thoughts on global warming, which he believes is, to quote the only good sitcom on television today, hokum. While I tend to side with the scientific consensus on this one, it seems to be lost on this writer. Perry is siding with the Republican consensus, in which the farthest anyone comes to believing in global warming is accepting that some evidence shows such a trend.

Frankly, I don’t know why this is making headlines, unless the Democrats need something to use against him. But I doubt they’ll change many minds that weren’t already set on the acceptance of global warming. Being a Texan and a Republican, Perry knows full well that it’s to his advantage to stay the oil-drillin’, truck-drivin’, carbon-emittin’, warmin’-questionin’ non-liberal-elite he already was.

STORY #3: Without Reserve

Of course, another such non-liberal-elite could get in his way, namely fellow candidate, Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX). Most people consider his positions on everything to be outside of the mainstream; however, Paul thinks Perry’s comments on the “treachery” of printing more money are just that. It’s refreshing to see that Paul’s distaste for the Federal Reserve has some limits. As for Perry, let’s confine treason to intent to overthrow the Republic and confine arguments against the Fed to policy. (I’m watching Law & Order as I write this, so I’m thinking along those lines.)