Best moments from Newt’s drop-out speech

I’m not the first to say that former Speaker Newt Gingrich’s (R-GA) inevitable departure from the GOP presidential nomination contest was the most Gingrichian moment in the history of civilization, and I’m sure I won’t be the last. I’ll post the highlights here, but listen to it yourself if you have 23 minutes; it’s just fabulous.

1. The stammering in the first two minutes. For someone who prides himself on his speaking abilities as much as Gingrich, he didn’t sound nearly as calm as former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) did when he quit.
2. Thanking everyone. Slow down, Gingrich, this is a resignation speech. Snap it up.
3. Thanking former Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX), Herman Cain (R-GA), Michael Reagan and Todd Palin. Now there are four juggernauts of effective national politics!
4. “This will make me feel slightly guilty every time we go through South Carolina.” Will they ever go through there again?
5. The three-point plan of his campaign at the six-minute mark. If it can be better presented with PowerPoint, just don’t use it.
6. Going through his entire political résumé. Pointless, just pointless. Zzzzzzzzz . . .
7. All the Callista talk. If she wants to run a campaign of her own, she can, but don’t do it for her by proxy.
8. Everything he promises to do as a non-candidate (energy independence, religious liberty, American exceptionalism, national security, etc., etc.) is basically everything he promised to do as a candidate. Sounds like he wants to be a one-man shadow government.
9. Seriously, this list of promises for the rest of his career will not stop. Didn’t one of his think tanks go bankrupt not too long ago?
10. Captain John Smith. WHY.
11. He refers to “brain research and regenerative medicine,” as if that’s such a new concept the current health care system knows nothing of it.
12. He thinks the White House doesn’t know about al-Qaeda’s operations in Yemen. Even I remember that.
13. “Electromagnetic pulse?” Is anyone still worried about that? Like, at all?
14. Oh God, the space talk. Mining asteroids. Circling the moon. Awesome.
15. Drink when he says “private sector.”
16. And now he’s cycling through all his ideas again. Somebody take him off autopilot.
17. On former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA): “No,  he’s not conservative enough, but meh.” Which is what all Republicans are thinking, basically.
18. He thinks the business will invest and hire more the second President Obama is booted from office. Oh, you poor, fool.
19. His grandchildren’s generation will build the moon colony? Strictly a Newt issue.
20. “Kaiser.” “Khrushchev.” Yeah, he’s old.

The last temptation of Rick

Break out the butter because everyone except former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA) is officially toast. His last serious challenger, former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), announced his decision to suspend his campaign yesterday. I apologize for putting it this way, but his daughter Bella’s health scare over the weekend gave him the perfect opportunity for the dignified exit he needed. Since this is probably the last chance I’ll have to say anything about him for a while, I figured a fitting send-off would be to combine my compliments for him (yes, there are a few) with a few remaining backhands.

Compliment: Nobody expected him to get as far as he did in this nomination race. He has proven himself to be the type of person who defies expectations.

Backhand: When expectations are that low, is it really worth it to be the type of person who defies expectations?

Compliment: He led a national effort to change the tone on social issues even though it operated mainly on a state level.

Backhand: It was a horrible, judgmental, archaic tone that does nobody any good.

Compliment: He is now able to create a political infrastructure unto himself, consisting of books, lectures, media appearances, corporate and political appointments, funding for think tanks, and a PAC for candidates just like him.

Backhand: It’ll all have that horrible, judgmental, archaic tone.

Compliment: However much I’ve ragged on him in the past, you can’t deny that he was intellectually consistent and honest about the type of person he was.

Backhand: Which was a judgmental, archaic person. I won’t say “horrible” because, to my knowledge, he’s never actually hurt anyone directly.

Compliment: He is resigning for a noble reason. It is absolutely more important for him to focus on his daughter instead of trying to become president.

Backhand: Actually, I don’t have a backhand for that last one because anything I came up with would just be for show. However, he should be open about the fact that Bella has the advantage of two loving, involved parents who can afford her health care, which many American children do not have.

So, that’s it for Santorum. It doesn’t even matter if the other two leave because most people have forgotten they’re there. So this race should be tied up quicker than we thought. Thank heavens.

Romney/Ayotte 2012? (meh)

With Wisconsin, Maryland and D.C. in the bag for former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA), everyone seems to have forgotten that his opponents haven’t actually dropped out yet – except for those watching next week’s vote in Pennsylvania, where former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) leads by six. So it’ll be easier for me to do the same and dub Romney the presumptive nominee. Which leads me to ask: Who’s next?

In Romney’s case, the criteria his running mate will need to meet are as follows:

• experienced in the legislative branch, preferably the Senate, to counter-balance his experience as governor
• appealing to women, minorities or both
• reliably socially conservative
• experienced in foreign/defense policy
• willing to be an attack dog
• from a different region of the country

My instinct after reviewing this list is to name Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-NH), as she is a senator, a woman, solidly socially conservative, a member of the Senate Armed Services Committee and not the least bit media-shy. And after all, Romney named her as “one of 15” back in November. True, New Hampshire isn’t exactly far-flung from Massachusetts, but that’s not the highest priority. The real problem with her is that she was only elected in 2010 and hasn’t built up enough of a national profile to withstand all the inevitable attacks against her.

Except for Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL), who continues to reject the idea of being anyone’s running mate this year, no Republican senator stands out to me. So let’s take a look at another governor, which isn’t ideal in my opinion but will suffice. Former Gov. Jeb Bush (R-FL) is definitely appealing to Hispanics and has a strong national profile, but might not be enough of a full-throated conservative to satisfy the base. I like his persona as a politician, which probably means they won’t.

So that leaves current governors. (I refuse to consider House members; most of them are too full-throated.) Govs. Bobby Jindal (R-LA) or Nikki Haley (R-SC)? Possible, but no foreign policy experience. Govs. Jan Brewer (R-AZ), Rick Snyder (R-MI) or Scott Walker (R-WI)? Too much baggage. Gov. Susana Martinez (R-NM)? She has a son in the Navy, but she also rejected the idea. Gov. Brian Sandoval (R-NV)? Probably not a game changer, as they say.

Which brings us back to Ayotte. No, she won’t bowl anyone over the way former Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK) did before everyone realized what a dip she was. But maybe that will prompt Romney’s vetting team to take a much deeper look into Ayotte’s history than Sen. John McCain’s (R-AZ) ever did.

The election left him

The one good thing that came of former Gov. Jon Huntsman’s (R-UT) exit from the 2012 Republican presidential nomination race was that it got him a lot of headlines. Unfortunately, most of them explored one of two things: 1. How his work for Obama and his inability to market himself effectively led to his poor showing in the polls. 2. Whether or not he really meant it when he endorsed former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA). That number of positive headlines would have been nice three months ago.

Fine. So he’s not a retail politician. For whatever reason, the best people recruited to promote his message were his three daughters, who were fabulous. It doesn’t seem like he’s had the best media training throughout his political career. And he’s a bit too much of a wonk – not as bad as former Speaker Newt Gingrich (R-GA), who air-punches his way through elections after he’s done boring you to death, but still worse than Romney, whose ability to provide the ten-word answer is unparalleled.

But there was a time when a candidate with more substance than style had the fairer shot. A lot of people tell me that voters need to have a campaign shoved in their face at if you want them to choose it before looking at the others. That’s what’s happening with Romney. Despite his flip-flops, his self-aggrandizement, his shoddy tax plan, his propensity for unilateralism and the fact that he probably couldn’t quote the price of milk, he’s the one. Because he bought more ad space and has been running for five years.

So I’d like to know what exactly went wrong. What made voting so inconvenient that people couldn’t be bothered to take a good, hard look at their options before they finally aroused themselves to drop the ballot in the box? What made a willingness to serve the president, no matter his party affiliation, a cardinal sin? When did “great on paper” become less of a priority than “better on TV?”

So many things – the entire Bush administration, President Obama’s failure to live up to its hype, Congress’s refusal to do anything right – have contributed to a loss of idealism in American politics. When people aren’t idealistic, they don’t care enough to take even a cursory examination of the choice at hand. If they had, they’d realize that Romney is this year’s Obama with a different base and better hair. And Huntsman? He’s a Republican and he wants a job (Secretary of State?) this year. That’s the only reason for the endorsement, which itself was cursory at the very best.

That’s exactly what the creator of a TV show about doofy politicians said about The West Wing, which was about well-intentioned politicians. It wouldn’t sell today. Nobody believes they’re possible and they’ve given up looking for any, who remain hidden.

Disposal Day #104: *facepalmetto*

STORY #1: The Sane Train

Everyone, including me, assumed that former Gov. Jon Huntsman’s (R-UT) campaign for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination was over after a third-place showing in New Hampshire. Better than what was expected a week before, but not good enough to be a game-changer. His speech afterward? Sucked. And now he’s in South Carolina, a hotbed of “guns and religion” politics no matter the economic circumstances. But what’s this? They’re listening to him?

No, his poll numbers haven’t moved up from anything we’ve seen, and his own expectations are very low here. But he’s bringing out the crowds, and they’re applauding at more of his lines. (I actually don’t mind that his sense of humor elicits more groans than laughs. It kind of reminds me of my dad.) It’s doubtful that this will start meaning much in the eight days leading up to the primary vote. But he’s finally getting people to notice that he’s a conservative, which is a big step for his campaign. God, I hate admitting that.

STORY #2: The Bain Train

Poor every-candidate-who-isn’t-former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA). They’ve been put into an absolutely absurd position of having to defend him against a more mildly absurd attack; that his tenure as CEO of Bain Capital, characterized by layoffs for others and big payoffs for him, was anything other than status quo for American capitalism. Doubtless a few Occupy types will seize upon this and say this party thrives on “vulture capitalism.” Not unless they nominate this guy. Cute, but the wrong man.

Yes, restructuring happens frequently. But don’t you find it interesting that these stories of restructuring = layoffs are far more numerous than stories of restructuring = growth when it comes to Bain? I know one of you will mention Staples and Domino’s, but those are massive companies compared to the small business the candidates should be seeking to help. Whatever the truth is, Romney has lost control of this narrative.

STORY #3: The Feign Train?

Oh God. As much as I love Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart and anyone else affiliated with their two shows, I really hope they’re not serious about this. He probably isn’t, but the fact that people are even wondering is enough to give me pause. Maybe I’m just a lame political traditionalist with a giant stick up my ass, but I prefer candidates who take these kinds of events seriously and aren’t doing it just because it’ll make people laugh. Besides, everyone knows that the real Stephen Colbert would run as a Democrat.

Disposal Day #103: The suspendables

STORY #1: Insurance

Few things are more irritating than teasers, and Rep. Michele Bachmann’s (R-MN) decision to “suspend” her campaign is certainly one of those. Having struck out in Iowa, coming in second-last to the person who didn’t campaign there at all, despite her valiant attempts to frame herself as the native daughter, this is truly her worst-case scenario. Yet under election laws, the suspension means she’s still allowed to re-enter the race later, and rake in donations until then. Donations for what? Moral support? A consolation prize?

I’ll take this sentence to chastise existing election laws for allowing candidates to collect money they may never spend on a continued candidacy. If Bachmann decides to leave for good, which is the only possible course of action for her at this point, she’d better give it back. In any event, she was never suited for the presidency anyway. Regardless of what you think of her ideas, you want a CEO of ideals in the White House, not a sales rep for a laundry list of right-wing talking points.

STORY #2: Rhymes with “pollution”

Does the above mean former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain (R-GA), another “suspended” Republican candidate, is also taking in donations even now? If he is, we already know what he might fund with them: “Cain’s Solutions Revolution,” a campaign to get Congress to vote on his 9-9-9 tax plan. He made the announcement of this little project on last night’s Hannity, where they’d clearly been hoping for an ultimate decision on his campaign.

Of course, if you’re not a member of Congress and you want them to pass a bill you came up with, you’ll need to find someone in Congress to push it for you. Has Cain done so? His new website doesn’t say. This could turn out to be either a triumph of “There oughta be a law” grassroots politics, or Cain’s failed, egotistical attempt to maintain national relevance. He’d have an easier time of that if he restarted his radio show or went on Celebrity Apprentice.

STORY #3: Quit while you’re alive

Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX) is still in the race, despite everyone seeming to think otherwise. He seems prepared to skip New Hampshire for South Carolina, the dumbest decision a person can make in primary season. Why? Because the conservative non-Romney field isn’t that strong. Is it really so weak that it needs the second failed non-Romney to stay? Especially since former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) hasn’t yet collapsed upon himself? And I thought Cain was showing signs of egotism. But this is just sad. Does he even remember that he’s still governor?

He’s no Buddy of mine

Bigger news prevented me from writing about Americans Elect when it first hit the political scene. If you don’t know what that is, you should check it out. In a nutshell, it allows voters to nominate two people, approved by a selection committee, from different parties (or none at all) to a presidential ticket, all online. They’ve achieved ballot access in 11 states and may soon add California to that list. So who seems to be the front-runner for their nomination? Former Gov. Buddy Roemer (R-LA).

You might remember Roemer from such films as Why Won’t You Let Me Debate? and Fuck You, Republicans, I’ll Just Run Somewhere Else Now. Even in September, when potential candidates who hadn’t decided to run were being invited to debates, Roemer was not. He has achieved a shade less name recognition than former Gov. Gary Johnson (R-NM), who hasn’t fared any better in polls or debates but is still in the game for some reason.

Within the centrist community, there’s been considerable debate about whether or not we should rally behind Roemer. On the one hand, his record on campaign finance in this election has (as far as we know) been impeccable. He has refused to accept donations over $100 or any at all from political action committees. He proves that while a candidate may not be particularly successful when they don’t take advantage of new freedom of donation, they can still get some kudos for not doing it.

But there are other factors. His career as governor was marked by a lack of professionalism, an equal lack of effectiveness and ideological shifts that seem to have more to do with political advantage than self-reflection. And read this: “I’m the only Republican candidate to serve as both a congressman and a governor. . . . I speak for America that’s free, and proud and broke and unemployed. And nobody gives a damn.” Do we want to support someone who whines like this? He sounds like a depressed Occupy-supporting ex-politician. Oh, wait.

My worry is that with people like Roemer linking up with Americans Elect, those who haven’t done so themselves will view it as a dumping ground for sad people who couldn’t hack it in the two-party system and just want to win, dammit. Had former Gov. Jon Huntsman (R-UT), for example, signed on to it the second it arrived, it would be what we want it to be: a place where more moderate candidates can set themselves apart as a healthy alternative. This can’t be the best we can do.

Of course, if Secretary of State Hillary Clinton were willing to extend her political career again, most of us would be happy to have her. But that won’t happen. Accept it.

Disposal Day #98: Foresight is 20/20

STORY #1: Any more dignity?

Once the media starts asking if your campaign is over, your campaign is over. If former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain (R-GA) has realized that at some point in the past few days, he hasn’t let on. Frankly, he doesn’t need to say anything, because any shred of electability he ever had has been blown to kingdom come following the latest “bimbo eruption” from Ginger White. (And for those who think the use of the word “bimbo” is unnecessary and sexist, please check your history.)

Since I already addressed the subject of why he already lost earlier in the week, I’ll focus today on the substance of the accusation. White’s contention that they had an “affair,” in the traditional sense, is only known to be true or false to her and Cain. There is more evidence suggesting that she was his beneficiary, of sorts, and Cain’s wife is only finding out now. Makes you wonder who would stand to gain from his first budget.

STORY #2: The badgering state

Former Gov./HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson (R-WI) is back, in case any of you missed him. He’s prepared to make a run for the Senate against two lesser-known Tea Party favorites. His credentials won’t help him much here: His record on spending as governor is less than stellar, he’s never taken a decisive position on Obamacare and – worst of all if you’re fending off two Tea Partiers – he has a reputation as a MODERATE!!! (insert sirens, alarms, etc.)

Now, obviously, I’m inclined to support the candidate whose recognition is based more on consensus than confrontation. Unfortunately, budget-cutting is the consensus in America today, and Thompson will have to prove to be a safe vote for it in the Senate. And even moderates agree that decisive opinions on an issue-by-issue basis are a key ingredient in effective political practice; we have as much disdain for flip-floppers as any winger, perhaps more so. Unless Thompson can shake off this dust, he doesn’t have much hope.

STORY #3: No, please, close the door

Vice President Biden says he hasn’t “closed the door” on the possibility of running for president in 2016. If he were Al Gore, he might actually have a chance, as Gore was involved in a relatively successful presidency. Biden, so far, has not been. And even if that changed, the standard Biden commentary among late-night comedians shows no signs of letting up. Not convinced? Please raise your hand if you would like to see a President Biden. . . . No? Didn’t think so. Oh, well, back to begging Hillary to do it.

Disposal Day #93: Flavorless of the week

STORY #1: Just like old times

Admittedly, former Speaker Newt Gingrich’s (R-GA) third-place showing in the latest poll out of New Hampshire is impressive. He thinks it’s so good that he’s confident in saying “the odds are very good I’ll be the nominee.” Right. Someone who represents the Republican Party in some of the most shameful years in its history; who hasn’t held or tried to hold elected office for 12 years; whose personal life, however irrelevant, is a disaster; and whose talent lies in being an academic will run for president against Barack Obama. Uh-huh.

To be fair, though, he’s better as a presidential candidate now than he was then; his campaign has had a bit more of a theoretical focus than others. But his political career is so long that the reputation he developed within it will be impossible to shake off. Moreover, his style doesn’t resonate to people who want straight talk on the economy. He’d gain more from trying to be a kingmaker than the alternative.

STORY #2: Please abort your mouth

Whenever former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) wanted to remind people he existed before, he did something I call “Coultering”: Say something that many will construe as offensive and hope they pay attention. Now he just talks about abortion, which is a surefire way to get me to stop paying attention to you. In this particular case, he chastised former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain (R-GA) for saying the government should stay out of it.

I don’t know how many times I can say this (probably as many as he can say the word “abortion”): You can’t have a socially conservative government that stays out of people’s lives. It just does not happen in any realm of logic. Cain’s actual position – that he does not believe in abortion but has no role in other people’s decisions – is the position most Americans seem to possess. And that’s why he’s less likely to lose.

STORY #3: The cradle-robber

A list of things former Ambassador Jon Huntsman (R-UT) has done to capture the youth vote from the Democrats: speak to college students; have his daughters and sons-in-law get out the Tweeters; appear on The Colbert Report and rock it; acknowledge, however implicitly, that the eventual nominee will need to capture the youth vote from the Democrats. This could be the thing that propels him in the polls. For my part, watch out for my official endorsement column next week. And I don’t mean my endorsement for the Republican nominee – you should have figured that out weeks ago. This is going to be bigger.

Vote for Blank-Rubio 2016

If Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) had a Winnipeg equivalent, it would be Mark Scheifele, the Winnipeg Jet-to-be who’s scored three goals in his first three NHL games. The hoopla surrounding him makes you want to scream “Come on, the kid still has his baby teeth!” But that’s just hockey. Nobody’s nominating him for the Calder Memorial Trophy in any seriousness. But people do seem serious about nominating Rubio for vice-president.

In this weekend’s Michigan straw poll, Rubio was selected as the top choice for the underside of the 2012 Republican ticket, besting former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain (R-GA), former Speaker Newt Gingrich (R-GA) and Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN). Rubio himself is less enthusiastic, but potential VPs are like “elegant females“; they can reject you three times and still marry you. He might reconsider if he ends up fitting the eventual presidential nominee best.

Since it’s likely that the eventual nominee will be a governor, executive experience is taken care of, rendering other possible choices – namely, Govs. Chris Christie (R-NJ) and Susana Martinez (R-NM) – less appealing. However, Rubio is not as vocal about his Tea Party-approved beliefs as others of his ilk, which makes one wonder if he’d be an effective attack dog, or more of an issues wonk. The latter would work to his advantage if all voters thought like me.

His personal credentials are an easy sell: young, Hispanic, well-spoken, seen at both Catholic and Protestant churches, married with four children and – if I may say so – quite attractive. It may remind a few non-Republican voters what they first liked about Obama. But, as mentioned, Rubio is less showy, which may assuage fears of star power trumping experience once more (even though Obama has held some form of elected office four years longer).

That’s Rubio’s biggest flaw: his lack of seasoning, which he himself has acknowledged more often than any of his proponents. The second-biggest flaw is the fact that he hasn’t yet developed an area of expertise, which is vital in ticket selection. Give him another term in the Senate and he might be comfortable with the question of anything with the word “presidency” in it. It’s safe to predict that he will be asked, but will ultimately and wisely say no.

After that, the nominee might end up asking Martinez, who appears much like former Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK), but is Hispanic and less stupid. Someone more willing with all of her and Rubio’s advantages might appear on the scene within the coming months. But for now, just leave the kid alone.