Take this Action Plan and shove it

It’s time once again for The Future American’s FAIL OF THE WEEK! Every Saturday, I name a person or group who has spent the past seven days behaving in a particularly idiotic way. Since it’s my belief that idiocy knows no politics, nobody is safe.

This week’s fail was brought to you by the Harper government of Canada. (They are the Harper government and don’t you ever forget it.) The centerpiece of Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s stint has been Canada’s Economic Action Plan, ostensibly the name for the stimulus-oriented federal budget of January 2009, but since then the umbrella term for every economic initiative the government can dream up. Of those initiatives themselves, we can’t say too much, as our economy has been fairly stable under Harper – due in no small part to our heavily regulated banking sector, which wasn’t his idea. Of their promotions, on the other hand, we’re forced to say a lot.

Seriously. $21 million of taxpayer dollars on ad campaigns for the government’s agenda. If you’re the agency behind these ads, there’s your stimulus. The rest of us, having been bombarded with reminders of Canada’s Economic Action Plan online, on TV, on billboards and even inside buses, haven’t been stimulated at all, except when it comes to our blood pressure. But don’t tell that to spokesman Andrew MacDougall:

The government has an obligation to inform Canadians about the programs and services available to them and one of the channels through which we inform Canadians is advertising. . . . [The government] assesses the effectiveness of the ads and will incorporate any feedback it receives into the next series of advertisements.

Do you now? Well, Andrew, here’s all the feedback you need: This is what Canadians want to do to those goddamn ads. If he saw the same 30 seconds of government masturbation six times per show under a different prime minister, I’m sure he’d agree.

It wasn’t always that way. In 2009, some Canadians did visit the “plan’s” website, some even registering for the many boutique tax credits it had to offer. Since then, the majority of us, according to an independent survey, don’t want to spend any more money on the commercials, some of which have aired during the Super Bowl and the Oscars – not exactly cheapo. The government’s “internal survey” disputes the independent one, pointing out that 42 percent of Canadians approve of their performance. But we don’t need ads to tell us how to feel about their performance. We have lives.

If we want to know about available programs and services, we know how to a) research them online and b) drop by or call the nearest Service Canada branch and ask. What we don’t know how to do is convince THE HARPER GOVERNMENT that their ads have become our drinking game.

The emperor-to-be has no ideas

It’s time once again for The Future American’s FAIL OF THE WEEK! Every Saturday, I name a person or group who has spent the past seven days behaving in a particularly idiotic way. Since it’s my belief that idiocy knows no politics, nobody is safe.

This week’s fail – the 200th! – was brought to you by Canadian MP Justin Trudeau (Papineau). If you’re an American who finds that name vaguely familiar, he is the son of the late Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, and is currently a candidate for the leadership of the federal Liberal Party, which in 2011 found itself in third-party status for the first time ever, thanks to a rotating band of the least effective party leaders whose names don’t rhyme with “shmoehner” or “flelosi.” So far, Trudeau has maintained his status as the presumptive front-runner thanks in large part to his name recognition, rock-star presence and Michelangelesque looks (which don’t appeal to me, for the record). What of his platform, you ask? What platform?

Yes, the man who wants to be leader of “Canada’s natural governing party” (once) is happily declining to release one during the leadership race. Presumably, should he become leader – and he most likely will, as these contests are always won because of popularity – he’ll have a platform then. Here’s why he won’t have one now:

This is not about picking who turns around and suddenly governs this country. This is about who’s going to be leader of the third party, who’s demonstrating a capacity to understand Canadians, to listen to their concerns.

Of course, when Canadians have concerns, we generally like to know what our elected officials would do to resolve them. And after nearly seven years in Opposition, this party needs a potential prime minister as much as it ever has. But Trudeau hasn’t been under mass pressure to speak concretely yet; he gets plenty of love wherever he goes. Respect is another story, of course, but the ballot box doesn’t know the difference.

Trudeau embodies a wide swath of what is wrong with modern politics: In refusing to release (and possibly draft) a platform, he’s not putting his whole self out there and letting all voters know exactly what they’re getting. He’s not willing to be judged on a basis that might cause his allure to fade a little. He’s relying solely on the plurality of voters who don’t care that their understanding of him is almost purely superficial. He’s taking the coward’s path to the leadership with platitudes about “the middle class” and “a new generation.” If they make him leader and subsequently prime minister, they will effectively corner the Canadian political market, which is intolerable for those of us who prefer a candidate who can govern.

Trudeau is a guy who loves to listen. So he can listen to this: Stop being a candy-ass and tell us what you’re going to do.

I guess Canada can’t handle individual voting

It’s time once again for The Future American’s FAIL OF THE WEEK! Every Saturday, I name a person or group who has spent the past seven days behaving in a particularly idiotic way. Since it’s my belief that idiocy knows no politics, nobody is safe.

This week’s fail was brought to you by everyone, some of whom I know personally, who made the latest “abortion bill” in the Canadian Parliament all about abortion. Does that seem off? Welcome to Canada. Generally speaking, our politicians prefer to avoid the issue entirely, except MP Stephen Woodworth (Kitchener Centre), who introduced a private member’s bill to debate the legal definition of human life. The bill went down 203-91, but not without some ridiculous post-game reaction.

First, some background for American readers. Most federal legislation in Canada is introduced by the Cabinet, composed entirely of sitting members of the party with the highest representation in Parliament. This legislation requires all MPs to vote with their respective party leaders, on pain of being booted from the party. (Yeah, it’s that stupid.) A private member’s bill can be introduced by any MP, and members can vote on them however they choose. Prime Minister Stephen Harper has spent his time at the helm avoiding abortion like the plague; Woodworth’s dissent will be duly noted.

Anyway, Status of Women Minister (yes, we have one) Rona Ambrose (Edmonton–Spruce Grove) voted for the bill, which comes as no surprise as she represents a fairly small-c conservative part of the country. Since then, multiple Canadians, most of whom never vote Conservative anyway, have demanded her resignation or dismissal. That they’re limiting her respect for women to the pro-life/pro-choice binary is bad enough, but not entirely unsurprising. I haven’t heard any MPs talk about transvaginal ultrasounds, is all I’m saying.

The real problem is their failure to understand how free votes work in Parliament. It’s a rare opportunity for MPs to vote according to their constituents’ wishes, as well as their own consciences. Ambrose says her concern is over sex-selective abortions in particular, which isn’t a bad excuse, but ineffective against these rabid beavers. And even if she were pro-life, what would it matter? The failure of this bill is proof enough that abortion isn’t on Parliament’s radar.

This debate might not be necessary, but like it or not, abortion isn’t the settled issue some claim it to be. That makes a debate on principle worthwhile. If Ambrose is truly out of step with the Canadian mainstream, her opponents should win such a debate handily, right? Why are they afraid of giving it a try? The 91 MPs who voted for the bill certainly weren’t afraid of a challenge.

So, who here knows how hydro power works?

It’s time once again for The Future American’s FAIL OF THE WEEK! Every Saturday, I name a person or group who has spent the past seven days behaving in a particularly idiotic way. Since it’s my belief that idiocy knows no politics, nobody is safe.

This week’s fail was brought to you by Dave Chomiak, the provincial cabinet minister (and my MLA, sadly) responsible for appointing people to the board of Manitoba Hydro. For those who are unaware, despite the name, Hydro is the public utility that oversees all the energy in Manitoba, including natural gas and our one wind farm. You’d think a diverse array of clean sources like that would merit an expert in the field of renewable energy. Alas, that would be the intelligent thing to do. Observe.

If for any reason you can’t or won’t click on the above link, let me sum up the board:

• The chief of a First Nations reserve!
• A former provincial cabinet minister!
• A provincial non-cabinet minister!
• A former federal non-cabinet minister!
• A principal architect!
• A guy who runs auto dealerships!
• The guy who ran the telecom utility!
• A chartered accountant!
• A professor of development economics!
• A mayor!
• A fucking market researcher!

Not to mention the new president of the company, the CFO of another energy utility!

It’s worth noting that two of the politicians were all elected members of the governing New Democratic Party and another one was an appointee of it. So that takes care of the patronage accusations pretty nicely. In addition, as my fellow blogger Graham Hnatiuk pointed out, the guy who ran the telecom utility also spearheaded the effort to privatize it. In this year’s provincial election, the NDP won again by accusing the Opposition Progressive Conservatives of wanting to privatize Hydro. The heads of 25 logicians around the world just exploded.

I can see some logic in most of these appointments, although the market researcher can’t do anything the internal communications staff couldn’t do faster, and the auto dealership guy is just baffling. Adam suggested that he might play a valuable role in creating a research climate for hydrogen-powered cars; I would have bought that if I knew the guy had ever designed a car in his life. Not one person on this list seems to know a thing about civil engineering or energy/environmental science. Priorities.

Why don’t they appoint Adam to the board? He’s studied clean energy more than all of these randoms put together.

I vote because there’s nothing good on TV

It’s time once again for The Future American’s FAIL OF THE WEEK! Every Saturday, I name a person or group who has spent the past seven days behaving in a particularly idiotic way. Since it’s my belief that idiocy knows no politics, nobody is safe.

This week’s fail was brought to you by the New Democratic Party (NDP) of Manitoba. We’ll be going to the polls to vote for premier on Tuesday; I haven’t given enough of a shit about this election to mention it’s existence here. That’s because, like every other election that ever takes place in Canada, the candidates are running on the basis of who can best preserve the status quo. And I mean that as literally as possible in this case.

Around town, I’ve seen signs encouraging voters not to let the Progressive Conservative Party and its leader, Hugh “Evil Incarnate” McFadyen, make serious cuts to public health care or privatize Manitoba Hydro – which, it should be noted, has a de facto monopoly on energy generation in this province and does the bare minimum with it. The only trouble is that Hugh “Devil’s Reject” McFadyen never promised to do either. Here’s what’s really going to happen:

• The PCs promise to hire 1,700 nurses, 250 doctors and 40 physician assistants.
• The NDP promises to hire 2,000 nurses, 200 doctors and 50 physician assistants.
• The PCs have never promised to privatize Hydro. This claim is based on the fact that they privatized MTS, our landline phone provider, when they were last in government in 1999.

In short: On health care, they might as well be the same party; on Hydro, the NDP is running on the basis of . . . nothing at all. It’s a complete fabrication, based on the judgment of a government that existed 12 years ago. It’s true that Hugh “Son of Satan” McFadyen’s aunt was a minister in that government, but they didn’t have any designs on Hydro then, either. Perhaps they saw the difference in practicality between a public entity that provides phones and a public entity that provides power?

Of course, the PCs aren’t much better, as they have few ideas that differentiate them from the Dippers. That’s why I intend to vote for the Liberal Party (which, despite its name, is actually fairly centrist). They don’t have a hope in hell of forming a government, but at least I can vote for them without wanting to kill myself afterward. It’s entirely possible that Hugh “Giant Douche” McFadyen will become premier, but I’d choose Hugh “Turd Sandwich” McFadyen over Premier Greg “Wait, I Was Supposed to Do Stuff?” Selinger.

Something’s fishy at the Privy Council Office

It’s time once again for The Future American’s FAIL OF THE WEEK! Every Saturday, I name a person or group who has spent the past seven days behaving in a particularly idiotic way. Since it’s my belief that idiocy knows no politics, nobody is safe.

This week’s fail was brought to you by the Privy Council Office (PCO) of Canada, which handles the bureaucratic duties of the federal cabinet. You might wonder how such a seemingly innocuous entity could fail, unless you’re like me and you hate bureaucracies on principle. But the fail goes far beyond their existence. It’s their penchant for total control over the government’s messaging, which any PR practitioner would tell you is bad for the message itself.

The issue is Kristi Miller, a scientist with the federal Department of Fisheries and Oceans (yes, we have a minister for that), who published an article in the scholarly journal Scienceabout the possibility that a virus is responsible for the depletion of stocks of Fraser River sockeye salmon. How big a shit does the PCO give about this story? So big that they’ve prohibited Miller from conducting interviews about her article, as well as refusing a related media release to go out on the grounds that it “focused on salmon dying and not on the new science aspect.” Well, excuse her.

That’s how centralized communications are in the federal government. Everything goes through the PCO, and if it’s doesn’t make the government look sufficiently happy and shiny, it dies. Want more proof? Consider the Message Event Proposal; Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s rule on the campaign trail that journalists, as a group, can only ask five questions a day; and the government’s F grade for access to information. Take your pick. I’ve got more.

By going to these lengths to ensure that all government communications, including those of arm’s-length agencies, toe a certain line, the PCO gives the impression that the government has something to hide. I can think of no American government that would have permission to do this, let alone try. Do they believe Canadians wouldn’t notice this sort of behavior? Well, at least one of us just did. Do they believe we’d give them a pass for it? Ha! Not a chance.

“But, Jess,” you ask, “aren’t you worried they’ll notice this column and make something of it?” Um, yeah. That’s the point. In fact, if they don’t make something of it, I’ll have wasted half an hour of writing.

An election about nothing

It’s time once again for The Future American’s FAIL OF THE WEEK! Every Saturday, I name a person or group who has spent the past seven days behaving in a particularly idiotic way. Since it’s my belief that idiocy knows no politics, nobody is safe.

This week’s fail was brought to you by the 41st Canadian general election. It’s incredibly rare for me to assign it to an event or inanimate object (carbon rods need not fear this fate); usually individuals or groups are at risk. But this election was so overstuffed with horribleness across the board that it’s shaping up to be a strong contender for Fail of the Year. In fact, I think it’s already won (lost?). But maybe I’m just biased.

Let us begin with Conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who won a majority government. In Canada, a candidate needs 40 per cent of the popular vote and 50 per cent plus one of the seats in Parliament to get a majority; this prevents Opposition parties from blocking any contentious legislation. Harper got one despite all of this, not to mention incredible contempt for the press and people who voted for other people. The Conservative Party: Low taxes. Lower standards.

This might have happened because of the steady stream of attacks on then-Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff, who led the Liberals to third place – unprecedented for them – and lost his own seat in the process. I’m the first to call the Liberals’ platform hollow and Ignatieff’s personality sorely lacking. Nonetheless, it’s far better to win on your own merits instead of someone else’s flaws.

Then there’s the second-place NDP, who are the Conservatives’ true ideological opposites, thus destined to polarize Parliament even more than it already is; the Bloc Quebecois, a separatist party reduced to four seats when they really should have ended up with none; and Green Party leader Elizabeth May, the only “Other” in Parliament. Her victory was the only thing I smiled about, save a few local races not worth mentioning here.

This was not an election about big ideas. This was not an election about change. This was not an election about Canada’s place in the world. This was an election about a pack of spoiled, childish party leaders who may be mentally incapable of thinking critically about themselves and the people around them. Only one party in this country is worth voting for, and nobody’s ever heard of them. Now we’ll just have to sit back and watch nothing get done. I’m ready to defect already, and I hadn’t planned to do that for two or three years. Anyone willing to take me in?

Why do we suck so much?

It’s time once again for The Future American’s FAIL OF THE WEEK! Every Saturday, I name a person or group who has spent the past seven days behaving in a particularly idiotic way. Since it’s my belief that idiocy knows no politics, nobody is safe.

This week’s fail was brought to you by the parliamentary system in Canada. You already know how I feel about the people involved; actually, everyone who was watching CPAC (the Canadian C-SPAN) yesterday afternoon knows, because I called in to announce my five-year defection plan. Now that those people have triggered – dear God – the fourth election in seven years, I figured it was time to discuss some real systemic changes, since they’re obviously not going to change their behavior.

Here’s the situation: Amid multiple ethics charges, the Conservative government produced a crappy budget. As distinct from the U.S., where politicians from both parties work together to fix the budget as best they can before voting, Parliament voted it down almost right away. With no free voting (members of all parties vote in lockstep on these matters), the Conservatives lost, triggering an automatic no-confidence vote, which they also lost.

When my first radio show was on air, I and my co-host made a running joke of debating the relative merits of the Canadian and American political systems. Three years later, here are the factors that put the American system over the top, in my opinion:

• non-whipped voting
• fixed election dates
• presidential term limits
• new leaders every four years
• an elected Senate

I still think the Electoral College ought to disappear, but it’s better than a vote for an MP (our version of a representative) counting as a vote for their party’s leader to be prime minister. Also, there is the small matter of Parliament lacking a single MP I trust as far as I can throw, and the other small matter of both Prime Minister Stephen Harper and the leaders of the Opposition parties being unqualified to run a 50-yard dash, much less a country.

I can’t say with any certainty that the above noted changes to the Canadian system would make our politicians behave better. But the American system is more democratic by nature, which is why I would prefer to live within it. The only reason I’m going to enjoy this election is because people are entertained by my riffs on how bad every option is. And best believe this: I’m ready to party.

It’s your party and I’ll bash it if I want to

It’s time once again for The Future American’s FAIL OF THE WEEK! Every Saturday, I name a person or group who has spent the past seven days behaving in a particularly idiotic way. Since it’s my belief that idiocy knows no politics, nobody is safe.

This week’s fail was brought to you by the entire Parliament of Canada. Actually, the past seven days have been fairly tame, but there were no other major blunders I could think of, and I was plenty pissed off about it all through January. A series of events has led me to conclude that the collective Canadian smirk at American politics is entirely misplaced. You think you have gridlock? You think you have bare-knuckled partisanship? You ain’t seen nothing yet.

The first: The Conservatives, represented in Parliament by Prime Minister Stephen Harper, released a series of web ads attacking Liberal Opposition Leader Michael Ignatieff, then yanked them 24 hours later when everyone picked up on their creative editing. The second: The NDP, a more left-leaning third party, are hammering the Conservatives for their proposed corporate tax cuts ahead of upcoming budget talks. The third: Ignatieff doesn’t know how to be clear on whether or not he will force an election.

All of these events, in their own way, illustrate major ailments in Canadian political discourse. It’s an unholy trinity of ad hominem politics (Ignatieff’s having lived in the U.S. and the UK for 35 years is the Conservatives’ major talking point), attacks without alternatives, and the constant threat of another election in the air. Combine that with tweets from the party faithful, and we’ve had one hell of a January.

I bring up the tweets because if you follow them closely, you will notice that it’s extremely rare for someone working for, volunteering for, or holding membership in a Canadian federal political party to disagree with it. At least in the U.S., rank-and-file politicos are more loyal to ideology than party; it shows they’ve thought things through halfway. But if you’re outside of the party machine, it’s easy to feel disconnected.

To date, none of the Conservatives, Liberals or NDP have proven any of the following: that they have a vision to improve Canada’s presence on the world stage; that they are willing to at least make an effort to work beyond party lines; that they will refuse to engage in personal attacks when making the case for oneself will do; and that, in sum, they know what Canadians want and need. It’s enough to make me not want to vote.

Only dicks need your protection

It’s time once again for The Future American’s FAIL OF THE WEEK! Every Saturday, I name a person or group who has spent the past seven days behaving in a particularly idiotic way. Since it’s my belief that idiocy knows no politics, nobody is safe.

This week’s fail was brought to you by a small band of students at the University of Waterloo, who somehow managed to shut down a paid speaking event by yelling. If it were always that easy, two-year-olds would be the most powerful voting bloc in the nation. But I digress. The speaker in question was author Christine Blatchford, who had recently published a book on some complex happenings in the Caledonia region of Ontario. The protesters believed Blatchford to be motivated by racism and colonialism.

Now, if you could confront someone you perceived as racist at your own school, you would probably debate them, right? That’s the best chance you have of exposing any misguidance they may have. There was a teach-in prior to the speech, although it doesn’t appear to have featured an opinion different from that of the protesters. In any event, all they did was yell the word “Nazi” in her direction. With no college security coming to her aid, Blatchford left.

This is reminiscent of occurrences on American campuses during the Vietnam War. Lately, on Canadian campuses, it’s becoming a pattern of simply refusing the opportunity for speech to those who don’t toe the student-activist party line:

• Earlier this week, a pro-life group at Carleton University was cut off from student union funding and the privilege of promoting their views. They’ll get it back if they become pro-choice.
• In October, that same group was arrested for trespassing on their own campus because of some graphic imagery in their signage.
• In September, a student union VP at the University of Ottawa started forming a “human barrier” around a table giving away free bottled water, after screaming at them. (The sale of bottled water has been banned at some schools.)
• And the Ann Coulter thing.

What pisses me off the most about these occurrences is that in almost every one, the protesters claim to be “protecting students” from racism, misinformation, offensive humor, whatever. And the target is never on the left. Assuming university is where people go to be enlightened, can it be resolved that its attendees can think for themselves when confronted with new information?