I’m not the first to say that former Speaker Newt Gingrich’s (R-GA) inevitable departure from the GOP presidential nomination contest was the most Gingrichian moment in the history of civilization, and I’m sure I won’t be the last. I’ll post the highlights here, but listen to it yourself if you have 23 minutes; it’s just fabulous.
1. The stammering in the first two minutes. For someone who prides himself on his speaking abilities as much as Gingrich, he didn’t sound nearly as calm as former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) did when he quit.
2. Thanking everyone. Slow down, Gingrich, this is a resignation speech. Snap it up.
3. Thanking former Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX), Herman Cain (R-GA), Michael Reagan and Todd Palin. Now there are four juggernauts of effective national politics!
4. “This will make me feel slightly guilty every time we go through South Carolina.” Will they ever go through there again?
5. The three-point plan of his campaign at the six-minute mark. If it can be better presented with PowerPoint, just don’t use it.
6. Going through his entire political résumé. Pointless, just pointless. Zzzzzzzzz . . .
7. All the Callista talk. If she wants to run a campaign of her own, she can, but don’t do it for her by proxy.
8. Everything he promises to do as a non-candidate (energy independence, religious liberty, American exceptionalism, national security, etc., etc.) is basically everything he promised to do as a candidate. Sounds like he wants to be a one-man shadow government.
9. Seriously, this list of promises for the rest of his career will not stop. Didn’t one of his think tanks go bankrupt not too long ago?
10. Captain John Smith. WHY.
11. He refers to “brain research and regenerative medicine,” as if that’s such a new concept the current health care system knows nothing of it.
12. He thinks the White House doesn’t know about al-Qaeda’s operations in Yemen. Even I remember that.
13. “Electromagnetic pulse?” Is anyone still worried about that? Like, at all?
14. Oh God, the space talk. Mining asteroids. Circling the moon. Awesome.
15. Drink when he says “private sector.”
16. And now he’s cycling through all his ideas again. Somebody take him off autopilot.
17. On former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA): “No, he’s not conservative enough, but meh.” Which is what all Republicans are thinking, basically.
18. He thinks the business will invest and hire more the second President Obama is booted from office. Oh, you poor, fool.
19. His grandchildren’s generation will build the moon colony? Strictly a Newt issue.
20. “Kaiser.” “Khrushchev.” Yeah, he’s old.