Lysistration, noun: The practice of withholding sexual gratification, typically by women from men, in order to achieve political action or reform. From Lysistrata, a comic play written by Aristophanes in 411 BC and an ancient Greek term meaning “army-disbander.” Related forms: lysistrate (verb), lysistrative (adjective).
No, that’s not a word you’ll find in any English dictionary. (I checked.) But that may be what the wife of Virginia Delegate Dave Albo (R-Fairfax) was up to when she found out about the transvaginal ultrasound bill being debated in the state House. Perhaps she was just so disgusted with the idea that her husband would put his name on a bill forcing women to undergo an invasive medical procedure, lest they want to have an abortion, that sex with him that night was simply unappetizing to her. Or perhaps this is the way to solve the renewed debate over reproductive issues. In any event, Rita Von Essen, I salute you.
Hear me out on this. Every aspect of this debate – forcing ultrasounds, refusing to hear women out about medical reasons for contraception, attacks on Planned Parenthood as a whole – carries an element of distrust for sexually active women, married or not. I won’t go so far as to say there’s an actual “war on women” going on; it’s more willful ignorance than a coordinated, premeditated misogynistic effort. And when a march on Washington or a congressional hearing won’t do, there’s always the power of vag.
Here’s how it works. Women who are married to (or dating) lawmakers pushing for legislation to the above effects go on a sex strike until they drop it. Women who are married to (or dating) men outside of office who support this legislation do the same thing. Single women don’t go home with single men. For added measure, all of the women walk around the house in provocative underwear just to frustrate the men. Eventually, horniness overrides politics and the whole thing dries up and withers away and sexual harmony is restored.
Of course, lysistration won’t work for everyone; there are couples who don’t have sex recreationally, and there are women who support efforts like this. These couples and women, so far, have been the minority. And, sure, there are men who just aren’t that into sex and will stick by these bills. An outcry of other lysistrated men would surely be enough to shut them up. Ladies, remember: Vag is a power all of us possess, and it’s a terrible thing to waste. No choice, no chicks.
Thank you for reading this blog post that was intended for the purposes of satire and was not meant to be taken seriously. But if you try lysistration and it works, good for you.